Saturday, November 24, 2018

Nov 24th Mariage

Bonjour amis virtuels,

Aujourd'hui j'ai assisté à la "soirée" de mariage d'un ami. Ou plutôt, pour traduire le mot Japonais 二次会 quasi mot pour mot, à la "fête suivante".
On parle de Nijikai en général quand il y a eu une céremonie au temple, puis une fête à proprement parler, puis une soirée.
Donc bref, je suis allée à cette dite soirée.
Le coeur léger, comme souvent.
Mais j'en suis malheureusement rentrée le coeur très lourd. Comme souvent, me direz-vous.

Je m'imaginais revoir tous mes amis de l'université, tous ceux que j'avaient rencontrés sur les bancs de Keio, et qui ont été pour moi ma deuxième famille, en terre étrangère. Je m'imaginais discuter avec eux à n'en plus finir, et rire, rire comme avant, comme si je n'avait fait aucune promesse à personne, comme si je n'avais aucune responsabilité, comme si le temps ne nous avait pas changés.

Puis je ne comprend pas trop, pas vraiment. J'espère juste qu'au fond de moi je ne fais pas semblant de ne pas comprendre. Peut être que j'ai juste trop aimé des gens qui eux ne m'aimaient pas tellement? Peut être que j'ai donné beaucoup d'importance à des personnes pour lesquelles j'étais finalement quelconque? Je ne sais pas, mais on dirait que je n'étais pas vraiment invitée. Je souhaite quelque part que quelqu'un s'est juste trompé en me disant ça.

Puis je me dit que ce n'est rien, de toute façon, je les aime tous et si ils ont décidé que c'est ce qu'il fallait faire c'est qu'il le fallait. Bien que je ne connaisse pas l'explication exacte je suis sûre que si je l'avait connue, je l'aurait comprise. Je suis donc juste là pour profiter de ce moment court, très court, trop court en compagnie de ces gens que j'adore tant.

C'est à ce moment là que mes sentiments et ceux que mon mari ont pris deux fusées dans des directions opposées et nous ont projetées à des années lumières de nous comprendre. Moi qui, en pleine discussion, le coeur chaud, le rire au bord des lèvres et les larmes aux bords des yeux, me demandant comment j'ai fait pour me passer de cette chaleur humaine tant de temps; et lui le regard froid, agacé par mon trop plein d'enthousiasme, par le fait que je ne le présente pas à des gens qu'il connaissait pourtant déjà, par le fait que je ne soit pas ce que je suis censé être, un aiment aimant, aimanté par son amour pour son bien aimé, sa tant psycologique que physique, moitiée.

Pendant ce temps, moi, je me demandais juste comment j'ai pu manquer la compagnie des francophones si longtemps, pleins d'humour et de passion, pas tous ne nous emballons pas, mais la plupart tellement attendrissants.

L'heure de la discussion arrive, et je découvre le fossé qui nous sépare, entre un "j'ai tellement envie de retourner en France", et de sa part un "et moi je n'ai plus envie d'y aller". Quelle tristesse, de réaliser qu'il y à une vérité derrière ça, un vrai immuable, un état de fait, une divergence qui ne connait pas de concilliation. Ni peut être pour nous de reconcilliation.

Car c'est un fait. Il n'y a pas de pardon à ce faire, d'excuses et de grandes embrassades, d'erreur à avouer et de montagne à regravir la main dans la main. Personne n'a tord, personne n'a raison, personne n'est méchant, personne n'est gentil. Nous sommes différents c'est tout. Et bien que notre différence nous ai souvent enrichie, nous sommes peut être arrivés au moment où elles nous laissent seul heureux, ou tristes ensembles.




Thursday, October 25, 2018

Oct 25th Who are we (allowed to be) ?




Hello anonymous people of the internet.

...

Well,
I have to take a deep breath before this one.

I've never allowed myself to admit that but... How I wish I could be anonymous! Like forever, it is exhausting to always worry about people, should it be for good or bad reasons. It's too much work to be linked to people.

It's too much work to be part of this world.


I actually think about writing this blog every single day, like writing honestly about how I feel, how I live, what I think. But then I always have second thoughts, about how X and Y are gonna react to what I'm writing. How they'll change their minds about me, and I stop there and leave all what I think inside my heart, sealed feelings and unspoken truths.

Many people would say "Just don't give a shit about what others think! Easy" Well, not. Let's be sincere it's not. We're all born in families, without being able to chose we've been assigned parents, siblings, cultures, religion, nationalities from birth. We have no choice but to accept them, or at least, respect them? That has always been an 暗黙了解 to me. Tacitly we are expected to fit, we are required to accept the random combination we've be assigned at birth.

Some people will say that it's wrong, that you're the master of your very self and the designer of your very own "you". That you can be a boy when you're born a girl, that you can love girls when you're supposed to love boys, that you can be rich when you're born poor, that you can change your nationality, learn a new language, turn friends into chosen family, get healthy when you were sick, believe when your parents taught you to disbelieve, disbelieve when your parents taught you to believe.

Indeed you can.

But you'll have to let everything behind.

Because a few, if even some, will follow you then. And if you care about them even a little, then you'll eventually abort your plans, and bury would rather yourself than disappoint them and be that person they would hate to see you turning into. You would be that person they expect you to be, because disappointing yourself is okay, it's only you, and you can always pretend you forgot.






Saturday, August 25, 2018

Aug. 25th In the Philippines, again :o)



En direct des Philippines!  
Live from the Philippines! 
フィリピンからライブ放送! 
مباشرة من الفلبين! 
🇵🇭🏝🙊


As almost every year now I'm spending my summer in the Philippines. The wifi is so proud of himself he doesn't even let us see him, he's literally nowhere to be found lol. Like seriously I'm weaned from my internet addiction! XD

But as I can't use my computer I've drawn this with my comics but it looks terrible lol, I have to wean myself from computers now lol! That'll be for next time maybe...

Hope you loved your summer
Love ya all, if anybody is reading this :-)





Saturday, August 18, 2018

Aug. 18th Mama's honey



Who's mama's honey?
 Qui c'est le chéri de maman? 
ママの大好きな人ってだ〜れ? 
من هو حبيب ماما؟ 
😍 😘😅



Friday, August 10, 2018

Aug 11th. Good Bye Y. Adieu Y.

Hello everybody,

It's been a while isn't it.
I'm sorry I come here only when I need it, not when I should.
Last week one of my good friends passed away. Y.
He was 26.
He died in a car accident in which he wasn't even at fault.
He got crushed, literally, by a truck who's driver was asleep, or texting. He didn't say. The driver in question just said he "didn't realize", he didn't realize he was going full speed toward a stationary car, a car stopped due to a traffic jam. He didn't all the traffic jam. That's hat he said.

The day after we went to Y.'s funeral. When we entered the enormous room I felt overwhelmed. The room was full of white flowers arranged in beautiful patterns. In the middle, a huge picture of Y., half smiling, as always.

Y. was this cold blooded, cynical, hilarious, comical, witted boy. He always had a rictus on his face when he commented on things, and always had a ironical and derisive but still very accurate remark to make.

The last time I met Y. was at Soso's 1st year birthday party, where Shun me and Y. promised each other to have dinner together anytime soon, as we didn't have the chance to talk as we wished we could that day.

Since then I feel like an empty shell. The day of his funeral, I couldn't stop my tears and couldn't wipe then away as I was holding sleeping Solo in my arms.

In front of his coffin I was thinking: "So, that's it? That's how people go? As simply as that? On the road to work? That's how people leave? Without a goodbye? Without a speech? Without a second chance? As simple as that?"

I couldn't stand seeing his pale face in the coffin, that wasn't him, that couldn't be him! Under that think white make up, that's just an empty carcass, no way it is our friend.

His mother told us that his body down his knees was gone, smashed, ripped, and that they had a hard time concealing his face's wounds under the make up.

Then we went back home.

And I've been dreaming of Y. since then, everyday. I'm talking to him, every night. I don't know if I'm  still sane or not, but it seems that there's maybe more to him than just being dead.
Maybe he just has been downloaded to another layer of this same world.






Sunday, July 15, 2018

July 15th. Soso's First Birthday



 Soso’s first bday... Yes he cried
 Le 1er anniv’ de Soso, oui il a pleuré 
空くんの1歳の誕生日...泣いちゃいましたw
 أول عيد ميلاد لصوصو...نعم بكى
 🎁 😭 😅




Ps: Soso's Bday was actually on July the 8th, 
but with the party and everything I didn't even find the time to breath lol ^^"




Sunday, July 8, 2018

July 8th. The threat called Soso !




Soso is growing so big now, he's crawling all over the place and he seems to love chaos and disorder... so we must take actions haha!


Soso la menace   
脅威ベイビー
The threat called Soso 
صوصو الخطير




I've heard cats do the same... I'ld love to see a "Soso VS a random Cat" Chaos Competition lol!